I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
