Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you told grandpa to call you daddy
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
