My liver just broke up with me...
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
