Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
