Apparently you make a good broom.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Girls should come with a carfax report
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
