Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
