This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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