Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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