i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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