I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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