Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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