Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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