I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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