he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
