I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
