When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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