So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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