Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
