I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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