I will die if light touches me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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