I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
