i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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