I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
