Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Randomize
