By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
