update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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