Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
