The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I will die if light touches me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
