Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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