Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
