Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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