I wanna bring you to show and tell
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize