Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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