we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
