i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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