Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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