She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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