On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
