I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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