Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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