i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
