I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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