you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
