Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
