Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
