Can Purell be used as lube?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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