Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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