My cat gives me a boner
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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