Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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