I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
