Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
