$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
