i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
