I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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