Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize