My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
