i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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