last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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